The Ones That Got Away

Trends Borrows, Fashion Steals

2005-11-02T03:38:49+01:00

[Like all the entries so far on this blog, this rant was originally written around March/April 2003]

'They seek him here, they seek him there...'

So sang Ray Davies in the swinging sixties. I find myself being distracted from the momentous events in the Persian Gulf and impelled to speak out against the growing menace on our British streets. What is going on with women's fashion?

I remember remarking in the early 1990's that the years from around 1972-1987 should have been known as the fashion wilderness. I coined the term in recognition of the period's failure to produce a bona fide true clothing icon and ability to in turn produce every hideous clothing, shoe and hairstyle ever. However I appear to have written its epitaph too soon, for like the Gulf War, it has made a comeback, and likewise it is far nastier this time around.

Some of fashion's most detestable items are back and they appear to mean business. Top of the list is leg-warmers. No-one, save Jennifer Beals for a few seconds in the Flashdance video has ever looked good in then. Even Ms Beals had the good sense to not wear much else, which is possibly why she is an exceptional case.

Bad enough on their own, you'll agree, but worn over cowboy boots [themselves a definite no-no] or other high heeled boots, surely the offenders ought to receive custodial sentences, or at the very least the freezing of financial assets. The bleak situation is further blackened by the notion of not only combining the misfit of the sock world with inappropriate footwear, [I wonder though if there is indeed any appropriate footwear for leg-warmers besides leg-irons and a ball and chain?]

But no, the young ladies have taken to wearing baggy three quarter length army trousers tucked in to them. One can't help but think you are viewing some long lost Cossack ladies cavalry division limping home after a particularly cold snap.

Also I see the ghastly Tucker boot is back. What next? Puffball or Ra-Ra skirts?

Is there no respite? No there is not, for there is more. Another fashion wilderness trait that is surfacing all too frequently is the over profusion of pleats and superfluous pockets and zips! Is there an EEC thread mountain somewhere, no doubt beside a zip lake? It would perhaps be not so bad [and it is very bad] if it were only the clothes, but once again it is not. The hairstyles are invading too. Farrah Fawcett cuts, feather cuts, wedges and all manner of unflattering couture’s are decorating the barnets of the easy led.

Running parallel to this disco-diva-ster revival is an active attempt to emulate trailer trash tramps. These wanna be Pammy-Sue's and Jo-Bethanne's prance around in skimpy denim numbers and crap crop tops that would have Daisy Duke blushing and calling the fashion police. This is not quite as hard on the eye, but just as naff as their Russian peasant sisters

This is a double edged sword though, it affects men too. Although so far the effects have been minimal, but no less severe. The popular look these days of the Spanish hairdressing John Travolta or Starsky and Hutch under-cover as pimps is stupid, but fairly harmless.

Harmless yes, but dangerous, for pretty soon these fellas will not be content. Look at David Beckham, the style guru of the lager Charlie 5-a-side
footballer younger generation, his hair is inching towards mullet territory. A few more inches and it will be a proper one, then what will happen. Mullet mania? Then his crazy wife will say 'Oh love it lacks body, you'd best get a perm at the back and before you know it him and Giggs [or some other twit] will be on Top of the Pops murdering a classic or heaven preserve us a composition of their own a-la Hoddle & The Mullet-fuhrer.

Then its bum hugging slacks and bad day-glo golf jumpers. Personally I blame the Stone Roses. Just as things began to look up, these clowns appeared in flares and set the whole regrettable cycle in motion. Shame on you for flogging us your 'Fools Gold' fashion. Although, their first album was not too bad, despite having several backward songs on it. How good a record could it have been if they hadn't been so lazy?
'Eh we need a couple more songs mate'
'Never mind our kid, we'll just stick them two we've just done the other way round. Nobody I'll notice.'
Yeah right!

Returning to the point, I wonder if the rejuvenation of parkas and snorkels will lead to a Lazarus-esque revival of the much maligned St Anthony parka. Or Priest jacket as they are also known as in certain circles.

Who knows? Certainly men's shoes are so stupid these days that anything is possible. Does Clarks extra square and noncey range factory make shoes for the entire adult male population of the planet? Maybe not, but it seems that way sometimes.

What I think is necessary is for all parents, older brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles and even teachers to show the youth pictures of themselves in these silly 70's & 80's clothes [if of course they haven't destroyed the evidence] to show these young uns that it is not big and it's not clever and of course it's not new!

I haven't even mentioned the new Goths! I thought that with the shell suit dying a death [with its big white socks on]

finally life may get back to a something resembling normality, but no. But then who cares, I never had a mullet, my conscience is clear!

Comments

ITS NOT THE WINNING, BUT THE TAKING PART

2005-11-01T00:44:11+01:00

TARRANT -Helllooo, I'm your host Chris Tarrant and welcome to another edition of 'Who Wants To Be A Warmongerer', the show where you the viewer has the chance to wage war on a country of our choosing. Tonight a lucky contestant could get the chance to lock horns with the big bad man of the Middle East, Saddam Hussein. All you have to do is answer 15 simple questions to secure your billion dollar budget. Let's not waste anymore time and go straight into the fastest finger round.

Okay, everybody ready? Let's go. Put the title words from this famous book by Agatha Christie in the correct order

a Nile
b On
c Death
d The

Okay, that was of course Death On The Nile and we have Tony Blair taking the honours there in 3.97 seconds. Let's have a big round of applause for Tony

BLAIR SITS IN THE HOTSEAT FACING TARRANT
TARRANT - Are you feeling confident of victory Tony?
BLAIR - Well Chris, [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] to be honest, I will be happy to walk away with anything. If I can go away to work and hold my head up high, I will be happy. I will probably crash and burn, so we will see. The only thing I have done is read quite a lot of children's books. My kids [LAUGHS] have asked for a pony.

TARRANT - Really, one each?

CHRIS - Oh, no, Chris [CHUCKLES TO HIMSELF] All of them are willing to share one and they have been saying they are happy to give up their next three birthdays and Christmas'.

TARRANT - That might suit you, you may be busy for a while. Your lovely wife Cherie was on the show recently, but she only managed to secure 32 million for an intervention in Sierra Leone.

BLAIR - [JOKINGLY] We have both got big families so there are plenty of people to come.

TARRANT- Okay Tony, ready.

BLAIR - Yes

TARRANT - Question 1 for 100 thousand pounds. From which of these would you launch an aircraft

A - Terrier

B - Carrier
C - Barrier
D - Warrior

BLAIR -The answer is B

TARRANT- That's correct. An aircraft An important strategic weapon for any conflict. Now, Question 2 for £200,000. What is the name given to the joint strike developed by NATO?

A - Euro-fighter
B - Euro-star
C - Euro-trash
D - Eurovision

BLAIR - That's the Euro-fighter. The answer was A.
TARRANT - Indeed, but not likely to be operational for this battle or any in the near future. A problematic creature.

BLAIR - [HESITANTLY] Erm, yes, well, it's really. Erm, John Major's idea really.

TARRANT - Perhaps, but on to Question 3, for 300 thousand. Nervous yet?

BLAIR - A little bit.

TARRANT - Plenty of time, it's only the beginning. Now tell me. Sarin is a type of what?

A - Hair Gel
B - Motor Car
C - Sanitary Product

D - Nerve Gas

BLAIR - Sarin is a nerve gas Chris, so it's D

TARRANT - That's right, it's D. Saddam has denied having any, but you will be aiming to prove differently.

BLAIR - I'm growing more confident as time passes.

TARRANT - Good, good, that's the spirit. Right, Question 4 and a possible 500,000 for your war chest. Not enough yet to really dent the armour of the regime, but enough for a commando raid.

BLAIR - Er, yeah, a small one though.

TARRANT - [SMILES] Yes, okay. What is the nickname of a famous Scottish Army Regiment?

A - Black Cat
B - Black Widow
C - Black Sea
D - Black Watch

TARRANT - A very confident answer and it's right. The Black Watch, a key component of the 5th Armoured Division, the famous Desert Rats, who would of course be at the forefront of any British assault. Okay let's press on. Question 5 for 1,000,000 million pounds and you haven't used a lifeline yet. The Normans who invaded and conquered England in 1066 spoke which language?

A - German
B - Norwegian
C - French
D - Danish

BLAIR - Oh God, it's the bl..[STUTTERS] the French. The answer is C

TARRANT - Yes. Not quite our cosy neighbours at the moment are they. Okay, whatever happens now, you have a million pounds to play with.

BLAIR - Great yeh, but hopefully I can go home with a little more.

TARRANT - Let's hope so for all our sakes. Okay question 6 for £2,000,000. In the U.N Security Council who does not have the right of veto

A - France
B - Germany

C - China
D - Russia

BLAIR - Oh, erm, well I am a little stumped hear, I think I'll have to ask the audience.

TARRANT - I thought you would have known that one. Let's see if the audience can help you along. Okay audience, who does not have the right to veto in the Security Council of the U.N. Vote now.

AUDIENCE VOTES

TARRANT - Well 89% are going with Germany.

BLAIR - On this one, I'll go with them, Germany Chris.

TARRANT - Is the correct answer. Right let's press on. Question 7 for 4,000,000. You could do a lot of damage with that. Put on a nice firework display with a couple of Harriers jets.

BLAIR - [SMILES] Yes could do. Could do indeed.

TARRANT - The Fairford Airbase is found in which part of the UK?

A - England
B - Scotland
C - Northern Ireland
D - Wales

BLAIR - Oh , again, erm, gosh. I think I better phone a friend. Can I phone Geoff Hoon?

TARRANT - Certainly, does he know about that sort of thing?

BLAIR - I hope so, that's what they pay him for. He'd best know.

A SURPRISED GEOFF ANSWERS THE PHONE

BLAIR - Hi there, I'm on warmongerer...

HOON - Really, great.

BLAIR - Geoff, where is Fairford Airbase? Is it A, England?

HOON - Its England Tony. 100% sure

BLAIR - Positive?

HOON - Yes

BLAIR - Thanks Geoff.

TARRANT - Satisfied?

BLAIR - If he says it's in England, then it is. It's A

TARRANT - That's correct, the important air strip for any British hosting of B52 flights to Iraq

THE RECORDING FOR THE DAY COMES TO AN END WITH THE TRADEMARK GONG. BLAIR LOOKS TO THE CEILING

BLAIR - God, no.

TARRANT - That's it for today. Join us tomorrow to see if Tony can go all the way.

END OF PART ONE

THE NEXT NIGHT

TARRANT - Helloo, welcome back. Last night we saw Tony Blair work his way up to 4 million pounds for his proposed regime change in Iraq. Will he go all the way? It's time to play 'Who wants to be a Warmongerer'!

[BOMBASTIC MUSIC]

TARRANT - So, Tony, you've experienced it once so far and now you are back for more. It got a little rocky there last night and our hearts were in our mouths. Any new ideas for tonight?

BLAIR - I'm going to be more assertive. I have a strategy. I was a bit defensive on the last show and I started to talk myself out of answers that I should know. This time I'm going on a counter-attack. I'm going to be a bit more positive. I'm going to show a bit more self-commitment.

TARRANT - That's the spirit, let's move on. Okay, sitting comfortably. Question 8 for 8,000,000. What is the second city of Iraq called?

A - Kirkuk
B --Najaf
C - Basra
D - Karbala

BLAIR - Ah that's a tricky one. Let’s see, eh Kirkuk... Najaf.. Basra..

[COUGH]

Karbala...yes. This is tricky. Got to think clearly. Kirkuk, um, Najaf..Basra.

[SECOND COUGH COMES FROM THE CONTESTANTS AWAITING THE NEXT FASTEST
FINGER ROUND]

BLAIR - I'm going..arh deciding on Basra

TARRANT - Is the right answer. Phew. You took your time. A very important city, the gateway to the Gulf. Vital in any invasion. Right, Question 9 for 16,000,000. The International Red Cross began life in which country?

A - France
B - Italy
C - Netherlands
D - Switzerland

BLAIR - Counterattack! I would like to say Switzerland but I am not
sure. When you're up here, your doubts multiply tenfold. I'm sure I remember seeing it on packaging before.

TARRANT - [SOMEWHAT BAFFLED BUT BLAIR'S LAST REMARK] Is the correct answer. I do not know what your strategy or counter-strategy is but you have just got 16,000,000. You're doing well.

BLAIR - Thank you Chris.

TARRANT - You're welcome. Okay, for 32 million pounds, can you tell me which Isaac Asimov novel is said to be the inspiration for Bin Laden's Al Queda philosophy?

A - Magic
B - Gold
C - Nemesis
D - Foundation

BLAIR - Ahh, right. I think. I am a bit baffled by this. I'll have to use a lifeline. Can I use "50-50"?

TARRANT - Of course you can. But remember you will have no lifelines left.

BLAIR - I have no choice.

TARRANT - Okay, take away the two least likely answers

[NEMESIS AND FOUNDATION REMAIN]

BLAIR - I think I'll go for Nemesis.

[CHERIE COUGHS LOUDLY JUST BEFORE THE AUDIENCE ALL GASP LOUDLY. BLAIR LOOKS AROUND ANXIOUSLY]

TARRANT - Final answer?

BLAIR - Actually can I change my answer to Foundation?

TARRANT - Are you sure this time.

BLAIR - Yes, positive. D, Foundation.

TARRANT - Is the right answer. Although there is some debate about the origins of his movement, but it is enough for us. You were close again there. You are playing well and it's exciting. Okay its 64,000,000 question, number 11. The Geneva Convention denies who POW status?

A - Militiamen
B - Merchant Seamen
C - Pilots

D - Mercenaries

BLAIR - I think it is mercenaries

[TWO COUGHS]

BLAIR - I think I have seen it printed on an old cigarette carton or on my grandfather's study wall. Maybe it was pilots... It is less likely to be merchant seamen. I think I would take mercenaries.

TARRANT - [AGAIN PUZZLED BUY HIS ANSWERS] you’ve just won 64,000,000 pounds.

BLAIR - [JUMPS UP AND SHOUTS] Yes. [SITS DOWN AGAIN] no more risks.

TARRANT - You are doing extremely well. Only four questions to go. Now, it's question 12 for 125,000 pounds. Who was the Director General of the International Atomic Energy Agency from 1991 -1997 and responsible for overseeing and inspecting Iraq's nuclear programme?

A - Richard Butler
B - Hans Blix
C - Rolf Ekeus
D - Terry Taylor

BLAIR - I think I'm going to go for Hans Blix.

[COUGH].

TARRANT - Final answer?

Blair - Yes.

[BLAIR JUMPS TO HIS FEET AFTER BEING TOLD HE HAS WON AGAIN].

BLAIR - I think I am well on the way to building a huge aircraft carrier. But with the next question I can double it, because that promises me 250,000,000 pounds.

TARRANT - Yes, that's right Tony. Although you will need more than a big aircraft carrier if Saddam proves to have a dirty bomb. Okay, phew. Exciting this. Okay. Which crisis effectively ended the political career of Anthony Eden?

A - China
B - Suez
C - Abyssinian
D - Profumo

BLAIR - I think it is Suez.

[COUGH].

BLAIR - Again I'm not sure. I think it is...

[COUGHING].

BLAIR - I am sure it is Suez. Am I sure?

[COUGH].

BLAIR - Yes, Suez, its Suez.

TARRANT - Is the correct answer. A political disaster for Eden and a bloody nose for those who thought the British Empire was still a force. Of course the American's failed to back the venture. Something you won't have to worry about eh?

[THE CROWD CHEER LOUDLY].

TARRANT - Okay, Question 14, only two correct answers away from the big prize. For half a billion pounds. Let's play. Approximately how large are Iraq's oil reserves, both above and below ground in millions of barrels

A - 261
B - 332
C - 97
D - 112

BLAIR - I think it is 97.

BLAIR -I think 97 is a more likely number than 261 or 332 or 112. I am really not sure. I'm never sure. If I was at home, I would be saying 97 if I was watching this on TV.

[A COUGH IS HEARD WHICH SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE SAYING NO]

BLAIR "I do not think it's 332.

[COUGH].

BLAIR - I do not think its 112, I am sure it is not 261. I would have thought it's 97 but there's a chance it is 332 but I am not sure. Think, think, think! I know I have read this, I think it is 97, it could be 332. I think it is 332.

[COUGH].

BLAIR - Yes, I am going to play.

TARRANT - Hang on, where are we?

BLAIR - I am just talking to myself. It is either 97 or 332. I
think it is 332.

[COUGH]

BLAIR - I am going to play 332.

TARRANT - You were convinced it was 97

BLAIR - I know. I think it's 332.

TARRANT - He thought it was 97, 97, 97. You changed your answer to 332. Oil, what many opponents believe this war is really bout .That brought you 500,000,000 pounds? What a man! What a man. Quite an amazing man.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUD ONCE AGAIN]

TARRANT - Wow! Phew. Right. We're here at last Question 15, the big one. Do you want to play?

BLAIR - Yes indeed.

TARRANT - [LAUGHS] I thought you might say that. Okay, for one billion pounds. Who will be Iraqi leader following the overthrow of the Saddam regime?

A - Ahmed Chalabi
B - Abdul Al- Khoei
C - Massoud Barzani
D - Mohammad - Bager Hakim

BLAIR - I am not sure.

TARRANT - Tony, you've not been sure since question number two.

BLAIR - The doubt is multiplied. I think it is Hakim but it could be Barzani, but I am not sure. I do not think I can do this one. I do not think it is Al-Khoei. I do not think I have heard of Chalabi.

[COUGH]

BLAIR - Chalabi, Chalabi, Chalabi. By a process of elimination I have to think its Chalabi, but I do not know who Chalabi is. I do not think its Barzani, Hakim, and I do not think its Al-Khoei. I really do think its Chalabi.

TARRANT - But you think its Hakim, you have never heard of
Chalabi

BLAIR - It has to be Chalabi.

TARRANT - It's also the only chance you will have to lose 468,000,000 pounds. You are going for the one you have never heard of.

BLAIR - I do not mind taking the odd risk now and again. My strategy has been direct so far - take it by the bit and go for it. I've been very positive, I think. I do not think its Barzani, I do not think its Al-Khoei or Hakim. I am sure it's Chalabi.

[COUGH].

BLAIR - Surely, surely.

TEASES THE AUDIENCE

I'm going to play. No, I'm not. Yes, I am.

TARRANT - You lose 468,000,000 pounds if you are wrong.

BLAIR - No, it's Chalabi. God, is it Chalabi? Yes, it's Chalabi. Yes, yes, it's Chalabi.

[COUGH].

BLAIR - I am going to play Chalabi.

TARRANT - Final answer?

[PAUSE]

TARRANT - He initially went for Hakim, he then went through the various options again.

[PAUSE]

TARRANT - He then went for Chalabi because he had never heard of it and he had heard of the other three.

[PAUSE]

You've just won one billion pounds!

AFTER THE AUDIENCE CHEERS DIE DOWN, BLAIR'S WIFE JOINS HIM ON THE SET

TARRANT- I have no idea how you got there, you went to hell and back out there. You are an amazing human being.

CHERIE - How the hell did you do it?

EPILOGUE

Lawyer Tony Blair's sensational one billion pound win on Who Wants To Be A Warmongerer has been called into question following complaints of collusion.

Jacques Chirac, an auditor, has claimed that systematic coughing from another member of the 15 man fastest finger panel provided Blair with clues to the correct answers.

Chirac claims Oil Company Executive George W Bush was coughing really rather ostentatiously, throughout the programme and by the time the 1 billion pound prize question was given he was fairly certain Blair and Mr Bush were 'in cahoots', he said. The question was: Who will be Iraqi leader following the overthrow of the Saddam regime?

He said: "I was listening out for Chalabi and thinking as soon as the Blair says Chalabi what was Mr Bush going to do. So I was waiting. I was absolutely certain there was going to be a signal by coughing. [Mr Blair] seemed to dismiss Chalabi initially and he went all round the houses as he had done through the show, and as soon as he got to Chalabi, George Bush went 'cough, cough'."

Blair and Bush deny the charge of trying to dishonestly procure the capital for the execution of an illegal war, as does Blair's wife Cherie. An investigation has begun and the accused face serious indictments, which could do serious damage to their future careers. Mr Chirac, on the programme hoping to finance a private venture in the Ivory Coast, is thought to have business interests in Iraq. He declined to comment when ask if he was attempting to avert war in Iraq in order to line his own pockets.

Comments

Baby Faced Tyrants

2005-10-31T22:05:58+01:00

Top 5 Baby-Faced Tyrants

As we saw in the first installment, moustaches appeared to be a clear indicator of totalitarian behaviour. But to in order to provide a balanced view, let's consider the carnage unleashed by Tyrants with access to top of the range gillette products.

Clean-Cut Karma Ratings -

Baby's Bottom - _*_
[five stars won't display for some reason]

Lady Face - ****
Blow Torch Razor - ***
Teenager With Bic Razor - **
5 O'clock Shadow - *

1. Pol Pot -

1928- 1998

Pot's Khymer Rouge killed around a third of Cambodia's population
after declaring Year Zero, blowing up banks, killing religious leaders
and attempting to turn the entire country into a giant farm . This makes
the black pyjama wearing despot one of the highest 'per captia' killers
of all time.

Dictatorship - 3 years
Genocide rating - 3 million
Evil Rating - 10
Clean Cut Karma - ****

Interesting Fact - Not long after the Vietmanese got rid of the
Americans, they invaded Cambodia in order to end Pol Pot's rule.

2. Idi Amin -

The Big Daddy and self styled Conqueror of the British Empire ran Uganda
for most of the 1970's until he made the mistake of starting a war with
neighbouring Tanzania, who kicked his butt and he fled from power. Amin
was once British Army Heavyweight Boxing and also proclaimed himself
King Of Scotland

Dictatorship - 8 years
Genocide rating - 300,000
countries occupied - 0
evil rating - 9
Clean Cut Karma - _*_

Interesting Fact - Amin reputedly had sex with up to 10 women everyday.
As a punishment to one of his wives, he had her arms and legs cut off,
swapped then sewn back on.

3. Mao Tse Tung -

Father of Communist China and leader for around 30 years. The Great Leap
Forward and Cultural Revolution were only two of Mao's big ideas. He
liked everyone to dress the same, which had the makers of padded anoraks
rubbing their hands with glee.

Dictatorship - 30 years
Genocide rating - 20 million
Evil rating - 10
Clean Cut Karma - ***

Interesting Fact- Mao was a librarian, so please be careful the next
time you are complaining at the Library. The person behind the counter
may well be taking notes in a little red book for future reference.

4. Nicolae Ceaucescu

1918-1989

AKA 'Genius of the Carpathians'.

The silver haired Romanian strongman with a Dracula obssession ruled
for two decades. Living in his enormous palace he failed to see the
writing on the wall and along with his missus paid the ultimate price
when the people rose up and shot the pair of them..

Dictatorship - 22 years
Genocide rating - no reliable figures, probably in the 10,000's
Evil rating - 8
Clean Cut Karma - **

Interesting Fact - Ceaucescu was given a black labrador puppy by David
Steel, the then Liberal Leader. He loved the dog so much it travelled in
it's own motorcade, was given the rank of colonel in the army and made
everyone call it 'Comrade' Corbu.

5. Radovan Karadzic

1945-200?

One of the ringleaders in the very messy string of civil wars following
the breakdown of Yugoslavia. Gave the world the new term 'Ethnic
cleansing. Along with sidekick Ratko Mladic , Karadzic is wanted for
crimes against humanity and genocide.

Dictatorship - 7 years
Genocide rating - 200,000
Evil rating - 7
Clean Cut Karma - *

Interesting fact - The Father Ted-esque tryrant is irinically thought to
be hiding out disguised as an orthodox priest. Isn't it strange that
both the television comedy and Karadzic disappeared at the same time.

The currently missing world public enemy number one Osama Bin Laden

has not been considered, as the master terrorist has never been head of state of any country and therefore is technically not a despot.

The exception to the rule with regard to facial hair is Clement Attlee -

The leader of the post World War Two British Labour Government headed an administration which came up with the welfare state and just about every other good idea a government could come up with. However he was voted out after one term. Could it be that the public got wind of the company he was keeping.

Not only is he knocking about with Uncle Joe Stalin, the baddest man on the planet at that time, but Clem also appears rather chummy with Harry. S. Truman, the only world leader thus far to authorise the use of nuclear weapons against an enemy.

Truman will be considered in the third part of our study, which looks at the relationship between the American Presidency and Hair.

Comments

FRIEND[LY]S FIRE

2005-10-31T19:30:16+01:00

Theme Song -

No-one told me it was gonna be this way....

The cast have all been drafted to fight in Operation Iraqi Freedom. Joey is
patrolling the skies above Iraq in his A-10 Tankbuster,

the weird girl is commanding a Patriot missile battery.

Special guest Helen Baxendale has met Marines Ross and Rachel, lost in the desert and is giving them a lift back to their lines in her British Army Land Rover.

Phoebe notices the aircraft and launches a missile.

PHOEBE

Take that you Un-American person you!

[Joey takes evasive action and swoops down on the Land-rover. ]

JOEY

This Bud's for you, enjoy the clean taste of cold
filtered depleted uranium.

He opens fire with his gatling gun and completely destroys the vehicle. The patriot missile flies harmlessly by him and heads directly back to source obliterating the battery.

Joey in his sheer delight and enthusiastic whooping fails to notice the oncoming Apache helicopter piloted by a copulating Chandler and Monica,

both aircraft are completely engulfed in a massive mid air explosion. There are no survivors.

Later in the Celestial Paerk Coffee house. All six are seated round the table.

ROSS

Why did you do that Joey?

RACHEL

Yeah, uh, we're on your side duuhh!

JOEY
[shrugs]

You didn't identify yourselves properly.

MONICA

Is the uniform and flag not enough for you?

JOEY
Phoebe managed to okay.

PHOEBE
[pointing a finger accusingly]

Yeah, see I did it right. So-oh. What did I do again?

CHANDLER

Wait a minute, she fired a Patriot missile at you?

JOEY
Yeah, so I knew she was an American, they never fired on me so I guessed they were the enemy. if you had only shot at me it would be okay. Everbody knows Americans shoot first then ask questions. It's basic training.

CHANDLER

I love you man!

They all hug

Theme Song

...I'll be there for you

Comments

Tommy Franks’ Latest Briefing

2005-09-16T00:15:52+02:00

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. I think you know me by now so lets cut the B.S and get down to business. Further to my briefing yesterday, I want to clarify several points. As we know d-day denotes the start of our campaign, and A, S, G- days refer to the activities of Air, Special Forces and ground units respectively, in addition to this I will refer to V-day as being the end point of our campaign, therefore Victory day, however up until that point we will refer to it as U-day, uncertain. Furthermore given the mobility and flexibility of our forces, M, W, J-days will reflect the status of said units at any given instance, thus we have marching, walking, jumping days with an optional R-day should things go off plan and we are called upon to retreat. This is unlikely however and is covered by E-day, in which we will run with any old excuse we can think of.

On a more operational level, I’d like to say a little bit about several interactive days involving joint operations by coalition forces, so T, Q, P; B-days are closely linked. The British will come over, make tea, and then we will all queue to pee, and B-day see the commencement of the latrine cleansing detail. Similarly H-day will see very one in the combat theatre wearing a nice hat.

The unpredictability of warfare has made it necessary to set aside a number of specific days just in case we need them. These are N-day, which denotes the period when it is not daytime but infact night-time, with x and y-days remaining in reserve, as reserve strength is important in warfare. As is, not squandering resources, as you may notice this leaves us with seven letters of the alphabet remaining, therefore for the duration of hostilities the days of the week will be known as follows

Monday -C-day
Tuesday-F-day
Wednesday-I-day
Thursday -K-day
Friday- L-day
Saturday- O-day
Sunday - Z-day

We had considered keeping a Saturday, because everybody likes Saturdays, but you know war is hell and you have to sometimes make sacrifices. Do we have any questions...?

Tommy Franks Additional Briefing

Ladies and gentlemen, I just want to bring everybody up to date with what's going on with Operation Iraqi Freedom. The latrines were cleaned this morning prior to further air strikes, which have been ongoing as you know since the launch of the offensive. Personnel are being urged to remember to wear the correct headgear, especially during air strikes. We hope to reach our objectives by Wednesday, however heavy enemy activity means we may have to re-group somewhere to our rear. In short, if we use the criteria established in my last briefing, we are currently experiencing a BAD HAIR-day. Any questions...?

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Fear Of A Black Moustache

2005-09-09T18:31:59+02:00

Part 1

Here is part one of my investigation into facial hair and political power. The second part will look at tyrant's with baby faced complections. The third part will examine U.S Presidents and the relationship between hair and greatness.

DOES FACIAL HAIR = EVIL TYRANT

Some in the media have claimed that a world leader with facial hair,
especially a moustache, is bound to be an evil monster. Armed with this
assumption I set out to discover if this was indeed the case. The
results were intriguing.

Top 5 Despot Moustaches

Moustache Power Ratings explained - * - Victorian Dad
**** - 1970's Porn Star
*** - Village People
** - Spanish Hairdresser
* - Bum Fluff

1. Josef Stalin -

1879-1953

AKA 'Man of Steel', 'Koba'

The George Formby loving Stalin drank a bucket of vodka a day, refused
his wages and won the war of annihilation with Nazi Germany. Never one
to rest on his laurels, Koba set the Cold War in motion too.

Dictatorship- 29 years
Genocide Rating - 50 million
Evil Rating - 10
Moustache Power - 5

Interesting Fact - Stalin's second wife committed suicide after a dinner
party where Uncle Joe had repeatedly threw bits of bread at her
demanding she drink more vodka.

2. Adolf Hitler -

1889-1945

AKA 'Der Fuhrer'

The mono-testicled Charlie Chaplin clone started the Second World War,
exterminated 6 million jews and gave Stalin a run for his money before
topping himself in his bunker with his new missus Eva.

Dictatorship - 12years
Genocide Rating - 35 million
Evil rating - 10
Moustache Power - 3

Interesting Fact - Deapite his popularity with right wing W.A.S.P types,
Hitler was a good Catholic boy.

3. Saddam Hussein -

1937-200?

AKA 'Great Uncle'

The Butcher of Baghdad is about to have his moment of truth as the
American led forces attempt to oust him from power. In his 24 years of
power in Iraq he has started two wars, gassed his own people and killed
and tortured countless others.

Dictatorship - v 24 years [so far]
Genocide rating - 2 million
Evil rating - 9
Moustache Power - 4

Interesting Fact - Saddam's hero is Stalin, which explains the big
moustache and the habit of waving rifles about any time he is in front
of a big crowd.

4. Francisco Franco -

1893-1975

AKA 'El Caudillo' ('The Leader').

The Spanish fascist leader wimped out of World War 2 in order to
concentrate on developing a tourist economy. Led the Nationalist forces
during the Spanish civil war and allowed his pals Hilter and Mussolini
to try out their new weapons on the Spanish people.

Dictatorship - 39 years
Genocide Rating - 35,000
Evil Rating - 6
Moustache Power - 1

Interesting Fact - Franco was the longest reigning pre-WW2 fascist
leader in history, dying in his bed in 1975

Augusto Pinochet -

1915-200?

Slippery Chilean cad who seized power as the head of a military Junta.
Many innocents fell victim of his Caravan of Death and were disappeared.
Finally removed from office by public vote in 1988.

Dictatorship - 14 years
Genocide Rating - 3,197
Evil Rating - 5
Moustache Power - 2

Intersting Fact- Mrs Thatcher paid Pinochet a number of visits to his
London abode whilst he was avoiding extradition by pretending to be ill
and mad.

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MILITARY FACT FILES*

2005-09-09T17:45:59+02:00

*THIS WAS ORIGINALLY WRITTEN ON THE EVE OF 'GULF WARS EPISODEII - THE ATTACK OF THE CLOWNS'.

All information is taken from Jane's Book of Fighting Planes, Trains and Automobiles.

TANKS

USA - M1A2 Abrams main battle tank

Crew: 4
Main weapon: 120mm M256 smooth bore cannon
Other weapons: 1x 50 Cal M2 machinegun 2x 7.62 M240 machinegun
Max speed: 42 mph (68 kph)
Length: 9.7m (31.82 ft)
Width: 3.6m (11.81 ft)
Weight: 54,545 kg
Armour: Classified

COMMENTS: With it's depleted uranium shells and armour this tank is
hard as nails.

UK - Challenger II

COMMENTS : A slightly naffer version of the Yank tank, prone to breaking
down

IRAQ - Lion of Babylon
COMMENTS : Basically an old Russian T-72. Looks quite scary but is
actually rubbish as was proved in the first Gulf War when the earlier
versions of the Allied tanks sat on hills blowing the cack out of them
from long range. So don't hold out any hopes this time round.

However the Iraqi's are likely to depend on their Transport, Assault,
Exit, Interceptor vehicles. These are highly adaptable cars which can be
fitted with corregated tin armour and a top hatch for the launching of
hand held rockets. Similarly, if defeat looks likely the T.A.X.I's can
be fitted with meters to charge the British troops a fare for their
journey to Baghdad when their tank breaks down.

NAVY

USA - AIRCRAFT CARRIER [6 IN GULF]
For example - USS Harry S Truman

Crew: 5,500
Aircraft: 85
Speed: 34.5 mph (30 knots )
Length: 330m
Width (flight deck): 78.8m
Weight: 86,100 tonnes
COMMENTS : Who needs an army with one of these buggers. The size of a
football pitch with a hotel underneath.

UK -

COMMENTS : The Royal Navy no longer rules the waves. It's official. The
difference between the Royal and the US navy is the difference between
what you see in the window of MacDonalds and what you get inside, i.e
The Royal Navy is smaller, sadder and not worth the money.

IRAQ -

COMMENTS : The Iraqi navy consists of several lazy playboy millionaires
darting about in tacky speedboats pretending they are in Miami Vice.

CHEMICAL WEAPONS

USA & UK -

COMMENTS : Both countries have tonnes of the stuff of all shapes and
sizes and flavours, and even plenty we probably haven't heard of yet.
This doesn't matter because if Iraq even throws a stink bomb at invading
troops, Baghdad will be nuked back to the dawn of civilisation, which is
quite ironic when you think about it.

IRAQ -
COMMENTS : Saddam says he doesn't have any, but we know he does, because
we sold him them. However intelligence suggests that he has infact
several thousand LPs of Anthrax, whom he is thought to admire for their
rock/rap crossover style and anti-establisnment lyrics. Also he claims
not to have nerve gas, but to be nervous of Dental Gas. Human after all
it seems.

FIREPOWER

USA - DAISY CUTTER

COMMENTS : Ridiculously big bomb, the little brother of the MOAB [mother
of all bombs]. The moab is an update, and at 21,000lbs, it is still not
as big as the Grand Slam dropped by Britain on the Nazi U-boat pens, and
that was from a Lancaster bomber, proof positive that all modern planes
are gay.

E-Bombs - High power microwave (HPM) devices involve accelerating an
electron beam against a mesh to produce microwave oscillations that can
be tuned to release very high power.

COMMENTS :In theory, this makes an ideal weapon to use against
"hardened" targets such as command bunkers buried underground. Which in
essence means no more Playstation, Rambo films or A-Team episodes for
the Iraqi elite.

UK -

COMMENTS : Having no Nazis to fight and Barnes Wallis having snuffed it,
Britain has no mad or groovy bombs. The UK version of the daisy cutter
has limited strategic applications, it is however particularly effective
when deployed against suburban lawns and proves to be lethal to not
only daisies, but dandelions, clover, dock leaves and every kind of
grass. However it is feared that their availability nationally from B&Q
and other outlets could make them a dangerous weapon in the hands of an
enemy.

The British have their own plans for E-bomb technology; one idea
involves the parachute delivery of an operative disguised as a local
electricity board engineer who will then disconnect selected targets'
main supply. This was considered inappropriate for Russian Submarine
bases in the Black Sea. Another more radical plan involved the SAS
selling dodgy Ecstasy to punters in Baghdad night-clubs.

IRAQ - SCUD MISSILES

COMMENTS : As the majority of these are likely to be toast by the time
the air campaign is over, the Iraqi's are going to have to depend on
their new secret weapon : the Self Loading Igneous Nodule Gun, this is a
portable battlefield ordinance which launches a small but extremely hard
projectile. Reports would suggest that it is unlikely that the Iraqi
Slings will cause any significant damage to even an unarmed Allied
combatant, although they could inflict a nasty cut.

AIRPOWER

USA -

COMMENTS: America has more planes than you could realistically shake a
stick at and let’s face it most of them look much the same and do the same
thing. There are notable exceptions;

B-52 Bomber - The daddy of them all. Flying since the 1950's and able to
drop everything from nukes to cakes. Still scares the crap out of anyone
who sees it.

B1-b Lancer - Concorde with a nuclear payload.

F117 Nighthawk & B2 Spirit - The so-called stealth aircraft. Basically
nicked from designs for planes Hitler was too skint to make in WW2.

AC-130 Gunship - A Hercules transporter with guns. It is clearly evident
that this plane was devised during a brain storming session with very
drunk generals. This aircraft has more big guns than a battleship. For
example one of the 20 different versions is;-
AC-130 U Spooky

Crew: Up to 13
Main weapons: 1x 25mm GAU-12 Gatling gun, 1x L60 40mm Bofors cannon, 1x
M102 105mm cannon
Range: 2500 miles (4,000 kms)

Silly but very dangerous.

A/OA-10 Thunderbolt

Crew: One
Main weapons: 30 mm GAU-8/A seven-barrel Gatling gun, general-purpose
bombs, cluster bombs, Maverick missiles and
laser-guided/electro-optically guided bombs, 2.75in (7cm) rockets, AIM-9
Sidewinder missiles.

COMMENTS : General Custer's wet dream, a flying gatling gun! Very
effective for ground attack. Unfortunately it is flown almost
exclusively by Americans which means they will fire on anything that
moves irrespective of which side the target is on. The same can be said
for everyone else in the US airforce whether they fly helicopters,
fighters or bombers. It appears to be policy to at least have some casualties in the wars of the new Pax Americana, and who better to inflict them but the good old U.S of A. That way they kill everyone themselves. Very fair.

Tornado

COMMENTS : Rotten. Can't fly in the desert. Like every British plane
ever built it was designed to primarily bomb Germany. However the cold war ended and the RAF was left with an expensive lemon. The only decent plane they have, the Harrier jump jet got nicked by the Yanks who predictably made a better one and claimed it for themselves. Typical.

IRAQ -

COMMENTS : What planes they have left are likely to be blown up on the
ground, so their pilots instead mainly play at being Tom Cruise in Top
Gun and try to cop off with totally inappropriate brainy women whilst
wearing bad shades and shouting homo-erotically at each other in 'coffee shops'. Very skilful Taxi drivers though.

GROUND FORCES
USA - MARINES, 101 AIRBORNE, SPECIAL FORCES
COMMENTS : The American soldier is extremely well equipped with state of the art Gucci uniforms, each trooper carries all the guns from Predator [including those used by the Alien head-hunter]. Nevertheless stripped of these the average G.I is a muscle-bound gung ho Rambo loving knucklehead who will fill his pants and cry if he can't go home every night for a Bud and Ice cream. The Special Forces teams consist of The Green Berets, The Delta Force, Navy Seals, The Angry Squad, The Dirty Dozen, Kelly & Hogan's Heroes and The A-Team. But remember you can only hire the A-team if you can find them.

UK - THE DESERT RATS, SAS, THE PARAS, ROYAL MARINE COMMANDO

COMMENTS - The British Army prides itself on efficiency. This is not true. The standard issue rifle [SA-80], can only be used if you are right handed. Left handed British troops carry the sandwiches, make tea and do the dishes and are recognisable by their camouflage chef's outfits, which are very useful for hiding tell tale Bisto stains. The SAS are reputedly the best special forces in the world, but more often than not their radios don't work and they are all captured, but luckily the majority are drunken Scotsmen so no-one can ever understand them during interrogation. The Paras are adept at shooting unarmed civilians, an asset for any battle for Baghdad. The Desert Rats make very good tea due to the amount of spare time they have whilst waiting for their tanks to be repaired. The Royal Marine Commando units are part of the Navy and quite obviously gay.

IRAQ - ARMY, REPUBLICAN GUARD, SPECIAL REPUBLICAN GUARD

COMMENTS : The Iraq regular army is a conscript army and is likely to desert into the arms of the invading forces and in all probability give them a lift into town. The Republican guard are better trained but equally likely to not give a toss and go home rather than face another doing on the scale of Gulf War 1. This leaves the Special Republican Guard. They are loyal to Saddam and have up to date weapons, or at least weapons less than 12 years old unlike the rest of the forces who are armed with old Lee Enfield’s, Tommy Guns, tomahawks, bread knives on broom handles and all manner of sticks and stones. If Baghdad is to become the Mesopotamian Stalingrad of Saddam Hussian's dreams then the Special Republican Guard are the men to do it. The are issued with chemical weapons, but even more importantly to reflect their status as the elite troops each man carries a full London Hackney Cab Drivers License.

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Live From The Archives

2005-09-09T06:34:25+02:00

This area will be the repository of some of the things I have had on websites which no longer exist. I'm told some of them are quite funny. You can judge for yourself. Also it will give me something to post when the muse is not with me. Or I can't be bothered writing something new, funny or topical. I hope you enjoy them.

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