[Like all the entries so far on this blog, this rant was originally written around March/April 2003]
'They seek him here, they seek him there...'
So sang Ray Davies in the swinging sixties. I find myself being distracted from the momentous events in the Persian Gulf and impelled to speak out against the growing menace on our British streets. What is going on with women's fashion?
I remember remarking in the early 1990's that the years from around 1972-1987 should have been known as the fashion wilderness. I coined the term in recognition of the period's failure to produce a bona fide true clothing icon and ability to in turn produce every hideous clothing, shoe and hairstyle ever. However I appear to have written its epitaph too soon, for like the Gulf War, it has made a comeback, and likewise it is far nastier this time around.
Some of fashion's most detestable items are back and they appear to mean business. Top of the list is leg-warmers. No-one, save Jennifer Beals for a few seconds in the Flashdance video has ever looked good in then. Even Ms Beals had the good sense to not wear much else, which is possibly why she is an exceptional case.
Bad enough on their own, you'll agree, but worn over cowboy boots [themselves a definite no-no] or other high heeled boots, surely the offenders ought to receive custodial sentences, or at the very least the freezing of financial assets. The bleak situation is further blackened by the notion of not only combining the misfit of the sock world with inappropriate footwear, [I wonder though if there is indeed any appropriate footwear for leg-warmers besides leg-irons and a ball and chain?]
But no, the young ladies have taken to wearing baggy three quarter length army trousers tucked in to them. One can't help but think you are viewing some long lost Cossack ladies cavalry division limping home after a particularly cold snap.
Also I see the ghastly Tucker boot is back. What next? Puffball or Ra-Ra skirts?
Is there no respite? No there is not, for there is more. Another fashion wilderness trait that is surfacing all too frequently is the over profusion of pleats and superfluous pockets and zips! Is there an EEC thread mountain somewhere, no doubt beside a zip lake? It would perhaps be not so bad [and it is very bad] if it were only the clothes, but once again it is not. The hairstyles are invading too. Farrah Fawcett cuts, feather cuts, wedges and all manner of unflattering couture’s are decorating the barnets of the easy led.
Running parallel to this disco-diva-ster revival is an active attempt to emulate trailer trash tramps. These wanna be Pammy-Sue's and Jo-Bethanne's prance around in skimpy denim numbers and crap crop tops that would have Daisy Duke blushing and calling the fashion police. This is not quite as hard on the eye, but just as naff as their Russian peasant sisters
This is a double edged sword though, it affects men too. Although so far the effects have been minimal, but no less severe. The popular look these days of the Spanish hairdressing John Travolta or Starsky and Hutch under-cover as pimps is stupid, but fairly harmless.
Harmless yes, but dangerous, for pretty soon these fellas will not be content. Look at David Beckham, the style guru of the lager Charlie 5-a-side
footballer younger generation, his hair is inching towards mullet territory. A few more inches and it will be a proper one, then what will happen. Mullet mania? Then his crazy wife will say 'Oh love it lacks body, you'd best get a perm at the back and before you know it him and Giggs [or some other twit] will be on Top of the Pops murdering a classic or heaven preserve us a composition of their own a-la Hoddle & The Mullet-fuhrer.
Then its bum hugging slacks and bad day-glo golf jumpers. Personally I blame the Stone Roses. Just as things began to look up, these clowns appeared in flares and set the whole regrettable cycle in motion. Shame on you for flogging us your 'Fools Gold' fashion. Although, their first album was not too bad, despite having several backward songs on it. How good a record could it have been if they hadn't been so lazy?
'Eh we need a couple more songs mate'
'Never mind our kid, we'll just stick them two we've just done the other way round. Nobody I'll notice.'
Yeah right!
Returning to the point, I wonder if the rejuvenation of parkas and snorkels will lead to a Lazarus-esque revival of the much maligned St Anthony parka. Or Priest jacket as they are also known as in certain circles.
Who knows? Certainly men's shoes are so stupid these days that anything is possible. Does Clarks extra square and noncey range factory make shoes for the entire adult male population of the planet? Maybe not, but it seems that way sometimes.
What I think is necessary is for all parents, older brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles and even teachers to show the youth pictures of themselves in these silly 70's & 80's clothes [if of course they haven't destroyed the evidence] to show these young uns that it is not big and it's not clever and of course it's not new!
I haven't even mentioned the new Goths! I thought that with the shell suit dying a death [with its big white socks on]
finally life may get back to a something resembling normality, but no. But then who cares, I never had a mullet, my conscience is clear!
