*THIS WAS ORIGINALLY WRITTEN ON THE EVE OF 'GULF WARS EPISODEII - THE ATTACK OF THE CLOWNS'.
All information is taken from Jane's Book of Fighting Planes, Trains and Automobiles.
TANKS
USA - M1A2 Abrams main battle tank
Crew: 4
Main weapon: 120mm M256 smooth bore cannon
Other weapons: 1x 50 Cal M2 machinegun 2x 7.62 M240 machinegun
Max speed: 42 mph (68 kph)
Length: 9.7m (31.82 ft)
Width: 3.6m (11.81 ft)
Weight: 54,545 kg
Armour: Classified
COMMENTS: With it's depleted uranium shells and armour this tank is
hard as nails.
UK - Challenger II
COMMENTS : A slightly naffer version of the Yank tank, prone to breaking
down
IRAQ - Lion of Babylon
COMMENTS : Basically an old Russian T-72. Looks quite scary but is
actually rubbish as was proved in the first Gulf War when the earlier
versions of the Allied tanks sat on hills blowing the cack out of them
from long range. So don't hold out any hopes this time round.
However the Iraqi's are likely to depend on their Transport, Assault,
Exit, Interceptor vehicles. These are highly adaptable cars which can be
fitted with corregated tin armour and a top hatch for the launching of
hand held rockets. Similarly, if defeat looks likely the T.A.X.I's can
be fitted with meters to charge the British troops a fare for their
journey to Baghdad when their tank breaks down.
NAVY
USA - AIRCRAFT CARRIER [6 IN GULF]
For example - USS Harry S Truman
Crew: 5,500
Aircraft: 85
Speed: 34.5 mph (30 knots )
Length: 330m
Width (flight deck): 78.8m
Weight: 86,100 tonnes
COMMENTS : Who needs an army with one of these buggers. The size of a
football pitch with a hotel underneath.
UK -
COMMENTS : The Royal Navy no longer rules the waves. It's official. The
difference between the Royal and the US navy is the difference between
what you see in the window of MacDonalds and what you get inside, i.e
The Royal Navy is smaller, sadder and not worth the money.
IRAQ -
COMMENTS : The Iraqi navy consists of several lazy playboy millionaires
darting about in tacky speedboats pretending they are in Miami Vice.
CHEMICAL WEAPONS
USA & UK -
COMMENTS : Both countries have tonnes of the stuff of all shapes and
sizes and flavours, and even plenty we probably haven't heard of yet.
This doesn't matter because if Iraq even throws a stink bomb at invading
troops, Baghdad will be nuked back to the dawn of civilisation, which is
quite ironic when you think about it.
IRAQ -
COMMENTS : Saddam says he doesn't have any, but we know he does, because
we sold him them. However intelligence suggests that he has infact
several thousand LPs of Anthrax, whom he is thought to admire for their
rock/rap crossover style and anti-establisnment lyrics. Also he claims
not to have nerve gas, but to be nervous of Dental Gas. Human after all
it seems.
FIREPOWER
USA - DAISY CUTTER
COMMENTS : Ridiculously big bomb, the little brother of the MOAB [mother
of all bombs]. The moab is an update, and at 21,000lbs, it is still not
as big as the Grand Slam dropped by Britain on the Nazi U-boat pens, and
that was from a Lancaster bomber, proof positive that all modern planes
are gay.
E-Bombs - High power microwave (HPM) devices involve accelerating an
electron beam against a mesh to produce microwave oscillations that can
be tuned to release very high power.
COMMENTS :In theory, this makes an ideal weapon to use against
"hardened" targets such as command bunkers buried underground. Which in
essence means no more Playstation, Rambo films or A-Team episodes for
the Iraqi elite.
UK -
COMMENTS : Having no Nazis to fight and Barnes Wallis having snuffed it,
Britain has no mad or groovy bombs. The UK version of the daisy cutter
has limited strategic applications, it is however particularly effective
when deployed against suburban lawns and proves to be lethal to not
only daisies, but dandelions, clover, dock leaves and every kind of
grass. However it is feared that their availability nationally from B&Q
and other outlets could make them a dangerous weapon in the hands of an
enemy.
The British have their own plans for E-bomb technology; one idea
involves the parachute delivery of an operative disguised as a local
electricity board engineer who will then disconnect selected targets'
main supply. This was considered inappropriate for Russian Submarine
bases in the Black Sea. Another more radical plan involved the SAS
selling dodgy Ecstasy to punters in Baghdad night-clubs.
IRAQ - SCUD MISSILES
COMMENTS : As the majority of these are likely to be toast by the time
the air campaign is over, the Iraqi's are going to have to depend on
their new secret weapon : the Self Loading Igneous Nodule Gun, this is a
portable battlefield ordinance which launches a small but extremely hard
projectile. Reports would suggest that it is unlikely that the Iraqi
Slings will cause any significant damage to even an unarmed Allied
combatant, although they could inflict a nasty cut.
AIRPOWER
USA -
COMMENTS: America has more planes than you could realistically shake a
stick at and let’s face it most of them look much the same and do the same
thing. There are notable exceptions;
B-52 Bomber - The daddy of them all. Flying since the 1950's and able to
drop everything from nukes to cakes. Still scares the crap out of anyone
who sees it.
B1-b Lancer - Concorde with a nuclear payload.
F117 Nighthawk & B2 Spirit - The so-called stealth aircraft. Basically
nicked from designs for planes Hitler was too skint to make in WW2.
AC-130 Gunship - A Hercules transporter with guns. It is clearly evident
that this plane was devised during a brain storming session with very
drunk generals. This aircraft has more big guns than a battleship. For
example one of the 20 different versions is;-
AC-130 U Spooky
Crew: Up to 13
Main weapons: 1x 25mm GAU-12 Gatling gun, 1x L60 40mm Bofors cannon, 1x
M102 105mm cannon
Range: 2500 miles (4,000 kms)
Silly but very dangerous.
A/OA-10 Thunderbolt
Crew: One
Main weapons: 30 mm GAU-8/A seven-barrel Gatling gun, general-purpose
bombs, cluster bombs, Maverick missiles and
laser-guided/electro-optically guided bombs, 2.75in (7cm) rockets, AIM-9
Sidewinder missiles.
COMMENTS : General Custer's wet dream, a flying gatling gun! Very
effective for ground attack. Unfortunately it is flown almost
exclusively by Americans which means they will fire on anything that
moves irrespective of which side the target is on. The same can be said
for everyone else in the US airforce whether they fly helicopters,
fighters or bombers. It appears to be policy to at least have some casualties in the wars of the new Pax Americana, and who better to inflict them but the good old U.S of A. That way they kill everyone themselves. Very fair.
UK
Tornado
COMMENTS : Rotten. Can't fly in the desert. Like every British plane
ever built it was designed to primarily bomb Germany. However the cold war ended and the RAF was left with an expensive lemon. The only decent plane they have, the Harrier jump jet got nicked by the Yanks who predictably made a better one and claimed it for themselves. Typical.
IRAQ -
COMMENTS : What planes they have left are likely to be blown up on the
ground, so their pilots instead mainly play at being Tom Cruise in Top
Gun and try to cop off with totally inappropriate brainy women whilst
wearing bad shades and shouting homo-erotically at each other in 'coffee shops'. Very skilful Taxi drivers though.
GROUND FORCES
USA - MARINES, 101 AIRBORNE, SPECIAL FORCES
COMMENTS : The American soldier is extremely well equipped with state of the art Gucci uniforms, each trooper carries all the guns from Predator [including those used by the Alien head-hunter]. Nevertheless stripped of these the average G.I is a muscle-bound gung ho Rambo loving knucklehead who will fill his pants and cry if he can't go home every night for a Bud and Ice cream. The Special Forces teams consist of The Green Berets, The Delta Force, Navy Seals, The Angry Squad, The Dirty Dozen, Kelly & Hogan's Heroes and The A-Team. But remember you can only hire the A-team if you can find them.
UK - THE DESERT RATS, SAS, THE PARAS, ROYAL MARINE COMMANDO
COMMENTS - The British Army prides itself on efficiency. This is not true. The standard issue rifle [SA-80], can only be used if you are right handed. Left handed British troops carry the sandwiches, make tea and do the dishes and are recognisable by their camouflage chef's outfits, which are very useful for hiding tell tale Bisto stains. The SAS are reputedly the best special forces in the world, but more often than not their radios don't work and they are all captured, but luckily the majority are drunken Scotsmen so no-one can ever understand them during interrogation. The Paras are adept at shooting unarmed civilians, an asset for any battle for Baghdad. The Desert Rats make very good tea due to the amount of spare time they have whilst waiting for their tanks to be repaired. The Royal Marine Commando units are part of the Navy and quite obviously gay.
IRAQ - ARMY, REPUBLICAN GUARD, SPECIAL REPUBLICAN GUARD
COMMENTS : The Iraq regular army is a conscript army and is likely to desert into the arms of the invading forces and in all probability give them a lift into town. The Republican guard are better trained but equally likely to not give a toss and go home rather than face another doing on the scale of Gulf War 1. This leaves the Special Republican Guard. They are loyal to Saddam and have up to date weapons, or at least weapons less than 12 years old unlike the rest of the forces who are armed with old Lee Enfield’s, Tommy Guns, tomahawks, bread knives on broom handles and all manner of sticks and stones. If Baghdad is to become the Mesopotamian Stalingrad of Saddam Hussian's dreams then the Special Republican Guard are the men to do it. The are issued with chemical weapons, but even more importantly to reflect their status as the elite troops each man carries a full London Hackney Cab Drivers License.
