The Ones That Got Away

[Like all the entries so far on this blog, this rant was originally written around March/April 2003]

'They seek him here, they seek him there...'

So sang Ray Davies in the swinging sixties. I find myself being distracted from the momentous events in the Persian Gulf and impelled to speak out against the growing menace on our British streets. What is going on with women's fashion?

I remember remarking in the early 1990's that the years from around 1972-1987 should have been known as the fashion wilderness. I coined the term in recognition of the period's failure to produce a bona fide true clothing icon and ability to in turn produce every hideous clothing, shoe and hairstyle ever. However I appear to have written its epitaph too soon, for like the Gulf War, it has made a comeback, and likewise it is far nastier this time around.

Some of fashion's most detestable items are back and they appear to mean business. Top of the list is leg-warmers. No-one, save Jennifer Beals for a few seconds in the Flashdance video has ever looked good in then. Even Ms Beals had the good sense to not wear much else, which is possibly why she is an exceptional case.

Bad enough on their own, you'll agree, but worn over cowboy boots [themselves a definite no-no] or other high heeled boots, surely the offenders ought to receive custodial sentences, or at the very least the freezing of financial assets. The bleak situation is further blackened by the notion of not only combining the misfit of the sock world with inappropriate footwear, [I wonder though if there is indeed any appropriate footwear for leg-warmers besides leg-irons and a ball and chain?]

But no, the young ladies have taken to wearing baggy three quarter length army trousers tucked in to them. One can't help but think you are viewing some long lost Cossack ladies cavalry division limping home after a particularly cold snap.

Also I see the ghastly Tucker boot is back. What next? Puffball or Ra-Ra skirts?

Is there no respite? No there is not, for there is more. Another fashion wilderness trait that is surfacing all too frequently is the over profusion of pleats and superfluous pockets and zips! Is there an EEC thread mountain somewhere, no doubt beside a zip lake? It would perhaps be not so bad [and it is very bad] if it were only the clothes, but once again it is not. The hairstyles are invading too. Farrah Fawcett cuts, feather cuts, wedges and all manner of unflattering couture’s are decorating the barnets of the easy led.

Running parallel to this disco-diva-ster revival is an active attempt to emulate trailer trash tramps. These wanna be Pammy-Sue's and Jo-Bethanne's prance around in skimpy denim numbers and crap crop tops that would have Daisy Duke blushing and calling the fashion police. This is not quite as hard on the eye, but just as naff as their Russian peasant sisters

This is a double edged sword though, it affects men too. Although so far the effects have been minimal, but no less severe. The popular look these days of the Spanish hairdressing John Travolta or Starsky and Hutch under-cover as pimps is stupid, but fairly harmless.

Harmless yes, but dangerous, for pretty soon these fellas will not be content. Look at David Beckham, the style guru of the lager Charlie 5-a-side
footballer younger generation, his hair is inching towards mullet territory. A few more inches and it will be a proper one, then what will happen. Mullet mania? Then his crazy wife will say 'Oh love it lacks body, you'd best get a perm at the back and before you know it him and Giggs [or some other twit] will be on Top of the Pops murdering a classic or heaven preserve us a composition of their own a-la Hoddle & The Mullet-fuhrer.

Then its bum hugging slacks and bad day-glo golf jumpers. Personally I blame the Stone Roses. Just as things began to look up, these clowns appeared in flares and set the whole regrettable cycle in motion. Shame on you for flogging us your 'Fools Gold' fashion. Although, their first album was not too bad, despite having several backward songs on it. How good a record could it have been if they hadn't been so lazy?
'Eh we need a couple more songs mate'
'Never mind our kid, we'll just stick them two we've just done the other way round. Nobody I'll notice.'
Yeah right!

Returning to the point, I wonder if the rejuvenation of parkas and snorkels will lead to a Lazarus-esque revival of the much maligned St Anthony parka. Or Priest jacket as they are also known as in certain circles.

Who knows? Certainly men's shoes are so stupid these days that anything is possible. Does Clarks extra square and noncey range factory make shoes for the entire adult male population of the planet? Maybe not, but it seems that way sometimes.

What I think is necessary is for all parents, older brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles and even teachers to show the youth pictures of themselves in these silly 70's & 80's clothes [if of course they haven't destroyed the evidence] to show these young uns that it is not big and it's not clever and of course it's not new!

I haven't even mentioned the new Goths! I thought that with the shell suit dying a death [with its big white socks on]

finally life may get back to a something resembling normality, but no. But then who cares, I never had a mullet, my conscience is clear!

TARRANT -Helllooo, I'm your host Chris Tarrant and welcome to another edition of 'Who Wants To Be A Warmongerer', the show where you the viewer has the chance to wage war on a country of our choosing. Tonight a lucky contestant could get the chance to lock horns with the big bad man of the Middle East, Saddam Hussein. All you have to do is answer 15 simple questions to secure your billion dollar budget. Let's not waste anymore time and go straight into the fastest finger round.

Okay, everybody ready? Let's go. Put the title words from this famous book by Agatha Christie in the correct order

a Nile
b On
c Death
d The

Okay, that was of course Death On The Nile and we have Tony Blair taking the honours there in 3.97 seconds. Let's have a big round of applause for Tony

BLAIR SITS IN THE HOTSEAT FACING TARRANT
TARRANT - Are you feeling confident of victory Tony?
BLAIR - Well Chris, [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] to be honest, I will be happy to walk away with anything. If I can go away to work and hold my head up high, I will be happy. I will probably crash and burn, so we will see. The only thing I have done is read quite a lot of children's books. My kids [LAUGHS] have asked for a pony.

TARRANT - Really, one each?

CHRIS - Oh, no, Chris [CHUCKLES TO HIMSELF] All of them are willing to share one and they have been saying they are happy to give up their next three birthdays and Christmas'.

TARRANT - That might suit you, you may be busy for a while. Your lovely wife Cherie was on the show recently, but she only managed to secure 32 million for an intervention in Sierra Leone.

BLAIR - [JOKINGLY] We have both got big families so there are plenty of people to come.

TARRANT- Okay Tony, ready.

BLAIR - Yes

TARRANT - Question 1 for 100 thousand pounds. From which of these would you launch an aircraft

A - Terrier

B - Carrier
C - Barrier
D - Warrior

BLAIR -The answer is B

TARRANT- That's correct. An aircraft An important strategic weapon for any conflict. Now, Question 2 for £200,000. What is the name given to the joint strike developed by NATO?

A - Euro-fighter
B - Euro-star
C - Euro-trash
D - Eurovision

BLAIR - That's the Euro-fighter. The answer was A.
TARRANT - Indeed, but not likely to be operational for this battle or any in the near future. A problematic creature.

BLAIR - [HESITANTLY] Erm, yes, well, it's really. Erm, John Major's idea really.

TARRANT - Perhaps, but on to Question 3, for 300 thousand. Nervous yet?

BLAIR - A little bit.

TARRANT - Plenty of time, it's only the beginning. Now tell me. Sarin is a type of what?

A - Hair Gel
B - Motor Car
C - Sanitary Product

D - Nerve Gas

BLAIR - Sarin is a nerve gas Chris, so it's D

TARRANT - That's right, it's D. Saddam has denied having any, but you will be aiming to prove differently.

BLAIR - I'm growing more confident as time passes.

TARRANT - Good, good, that's the spirit. Right, Question 4 and a possible 500,000 for your war chest. Not enough yet to really dent the armour of the regime, but enough for a commando raid.

BLAIR - Er, yeah, a small one though.

TARRANT - [SMILES] Yes, okay. What is the nickname of a famous Scottish Army Regiment?

A - Black Cat
B - Black Widow
C - Black Sea
D - Black Watch

TARRANT - A very confident answer and it's right. The Black Watch, a key component of the 5th Armoured Division, the famous Desert Rats, who would of course be at the forefront of any British assault. Okay let's press on. Question 5 for 1,000,000 million pounds and you haven't used a lifeline yet. The Normans who invaded and conquered England in 1066 spoke which language?

A - German
B - Norwegian
C - French
D - Danish

BLAIR - Oh God, it's the bl..[STUTTERS] the French. The answer is C

TARRANT - Yes. Not quite our cosy neighbours at the moment are they. Okay, whatever happens now, you have a million pounds to play with.

BLAIR - Great yeh, but hopefully I can go home with a little more.

TARRANT - Let's hope so for all our sakes. Okay question 6 for £2,000,000. In the U.N Security Council who does not have the right of veto

A - France
B - Germany

C - China
D - Russia

BLAIR - Oh, erm, well I am a little stumped hear, I think I'll have to ask the audience.

TARRANT - I thought you would have known that one. Let's see if the audience can help you along. Okay audience, who does not have the right to veto in the Security Council of the U.N. Vote now.

AUDIENCE VOTES

TARRANT - Well 89% are going with Germany.

BLAIR - On this one, I'll go with them, Germany Chris.

TARRANT - Is the correct answer. Right let's press on. Question 7 for 4,000,000. You could do a lot of damage with that. Put on a nice firework display with a couple of Harriers jets.

BLAIR - [SMILES] Yes could do. Could do indeed.

TARRANT - The Fairford Airbase is found in which part of the UK?

A - England
B - Scotland
C - Northern Ireland
D - Wales

BLAIR - Oh , again, erm, gosh. I think I better phone a friend. Can I phone Geoff Hoon?

TARRANT - Certainly, does he know about that sort of thing?

BLAIR - I hope so, that's what they pay him for. He'd best know.

A SURPRISED GEOFF ANSWERS THE PHONE

BLAIR - Hi there, I'm on warmongerer...

HOON - Really, great.

BLAIR - Geoff, where is Fairford Airbase? Is it A, England?

HOON - Its England Tony. 100% sure

BLAIR - Positive?

HOON - Yes

BLAIR - Thanks Geoff.

TARRANT - Satisfied?

BLAIR - If he says it's in England, then it is. It's A

TARRANT - That's correct, the important air strip for any British hosting of B52 flights to Iraq

THE RECORDING FOR THE DAY COMES TO AN END WITH THE TRADEMARK GONG. BLAIR LOOKS TO THE CEILING

BLAIR - God, no.

TARRANT - That's it for today. Join us tomorrow to see if Tony can go all the way.

END OF PART ONE

THE NEXT NIGHT

TARRANT - Helloo, welcome back. Last night we saw Tony Blair work his way up to 4 million pounds for his proposed regime change in Iraq. Will he go all the way? It's time to play 'Who wants to be a Warmongerer'!

[BOMBASTIC MUSIC]

TARRANT - So, Tony, you've experienced it once so far and now you are back for more. It got a little rocky there last night and our hearts were in our mouths. Any new ideas for tonight?

BLAIR - I'm going to be more assertive. I have a strategy. I was a bit defensive on the last show and I started to talk myself out of answers that I should know. This time I'm going on a counter-attack. I'm going to be a bit more positive. I'm going to show a bit more self-commitment.

TARRANT - That's the spirit, let's move on. Okay, sitting comfortably. Question 8 for 8,000,000. What is the second city of Iraq called?

A - Kirkuk
B --Najaf
C - Basra
D - Karbala

BLAIR - Ah that's a tricky one. Let’s see, eh Kirkuk... Najaf.. Basra..

[COUGH]

Karbala...yes. This is tricky. Got to think clearly. Kirkuk, um, Najaf..Basra.

[SECOND COUGH COMES FROM THE CONTESTANTS AWAITING THE NEXT FASTEST
FINGER ROUND]

BLAIR - I'm going..arh deciding on Basra

TARRANT - Is the right answer. Phew. You took your time. A very important city, the gateway to the Gulf. Vital in any invasion. Right, Question 9 for 16,000,000. The International Red Cross began life in which country?

A - France
B - Italy
C - Netherlands
D - Switzerland

BLAIR - Counterattack! I would like to say Switzerland but I am not
sure. When you're up here, your doubts multiply tenfold. I'm sure I remember seeing it on packaging before.

TARRANT - [SOMEWHAT BAFFLED BUT BLAIR'S LAST REMARK] Is the correct answer. I do not know what your strategy or counter-strategy is but you have just got 16,000,000. You're doing well.

BLAIR - Thank you Chris.

TARRANT - You're welcome. Okay, for 32 million pounds, can you tell me which Isaac Asimov novel is said to be the inspiration for Bin Laden's Al Queda philosophy?

A - Magic
B - Gold
C - Nemesis
D - Foundation

BLAIR - Ahh, right. I think. I am a bit baffled by this. I'll have to use a lifeline. Can I use "50-50"?

TARRANT - Of course you can. But remember you will have no lifelines left.

BLAIR - I have no choice.

TARRANT - Okay, take away the two least likely answers

[NEMESIS AND FOUNDATION REMAIN]

BLAIR - I think I'll go for Nemesis.

[CHERIE COUGHS LOUDLY JUST BEFORE THE AUDIENCE ALL GASP LOUDLY. BLAIR LOOKS AROUND ANXIOUSLY]

TARRANT - Final answer?

BLAIR - Actually can I change my answer to Foundation?

TARRANT - Are you sure this time.

BLAIR - Yes, positive. D, Foundation.

TARRANT - Is the right answer. Although there is some debate about the origins of his movement, but it is enough for us. You were close again there. You are playing well and it's exciting. Okay its 64,000,000 question, number 11. The Geneva Convention denies who POW status?

A - Militiamen
B - Merchant Seamen
C - Pilots

D - Mercenaries

BLAIR - I think it is mercenaries

[TWO COUGHS]

BLAIR - I think I have seen it printed on an old cigarette carton or on my grandfather's study wall. Maybe it was pilots... It is less likely to be merchant seamen. I think I would take mercenaries.

TARRANT - [AGAIN PUZZLED BUY HIS ANSWERS] you’ve just won 64,000,000 pounds.

BLAIR - [JUMPS UP AND SHOUTS] Yes. [SITS DOWN AGAIN] no more risks.

TARRANT - You are doing extremely well. Only four questions to go. Now, it's question 12 for 125,000 pounds. Who was the Director General of the International Atomic Energy Agency from 1991 -1997 and responsible for overseeing and inspecting Iraq's nuclear programme?

A - Richard Butler
B - Hans Blix
C - Rolf Ekeus
D - Terry Taylor

BLAIR - I think I'm going to go for Hans Blix.

[COUGH].

TARRANT - Final answer?

Blair - Yes.

[BLAIR JUMPS TO HIS FEET AFTER BEING TOLD HE HAS WON AGAIN].

BLAIR - I think I am well on the way to building a huge aircraft carrier. But with the next question I can double it, because that promises me 250,000,000 pounds.

TARRANT - Yes, that's right Tony. Although you will need more than a big aircraft carrier if Saddam proves to have a dirty bomb. Okay, phew. Exciting this. Okay. Which crisis effectively ended the political career of Anthony Eden?

A - China
B - Suez
C - Abyssinian
D - Profumo

BLAIR - I think it is Suez.

[COUGH].

BLAIR - Again I'm not sure. I think it is...

[COUGHING].

BLAIR - I am sure it is Suez. Am I sure?

[COUGH].

BLAIR - Yes, Suez, its Suez.

TARRANT - Is the correct answer. A political disaster for Eden and a bloody nose for those who thought the British Empire was still a force. Of course the American's failed to back the venture. Something you won't have to worry about eh?

[THE CROWD CHEER LOUDLY].

TARRANT - Okay, Question 14, only two correct answers away from the big prize. For half a billion pounds. Let's play. Approximately how large are Iraq's oil reserves, both above and below ground in millions of barrels

A - 261
B - 332
C - 97
D - 112

BLAIR - I think it is 97.

BLAIR -I think 97 is a more likely number than 261 or 332 or 112. I am really not sure. I'm never sure. If I was at home, I would be saying 97 if I was watching this on TV.

[A COUGH IS HEARD WHICH SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE SAYING NO]

BLAIR "I do not think it's 332.

[COUGH].

BLAIR - I do not think its 112, I am sure it is not 261. I would have thought it's 97 but there's a chance it is 332 but I am not sure. Think, think, think! I know I have read this, I think it is 97, it could be 332. I think it is 332.

[COUGH].

BLAIR - Yes, I am going to play.

TARRANT - Hang on, where are we?

BLAIR - I am just talking to myself. It is either 97 or 332. I
think it is 332.

[COUGH]

BLAIR - I am going to play 332.

TARRANT - You were convinced it was 97

BLAIR - I know. I think it's 332.

TARRANT - He thought it was 97, 97, 97. You changed your answer to 332. Oil, what many opponents believe this war is really bout .That brought you 500,000,000 pounds? What a man! What a man. Quite an amazing man.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUD ONCE AGAIN]

TARRANT - Wow! Phew. Right. We're here at last Question 15, the big one. Do you want to play?

BLAIR - Yes indeed.

TARRANT - [LAUGHS] I thought you might say that. Okay, for one billion pounds. Who will be Iraqi leader following the overthrow of the Saddam regime?

A - Ahmed Chalabi
B - Abdul Al- Khoei
C - Massoud Barzani
D - Mohammad - Bager Hakim

BLAIR - I am not sure.

TARRANT - Tony, you've not been sure since question number two.

BLAIR - The doubt is multiplied. I think it is Hakim but it could be Barzani, but I am not sure. I do not think I can do this one. I do not think it is Al-Khoei. I do not think I have heard of Chalabi.

[COUGH]

BLAIR - Chalabi, Chalabi, Chalabi. By a process of elimination I have to think its Chalabi, but I do not know who Chalabi is. I do not think its Barzani, Hakim, and I do not think its Al-Khoei. I really do think its Chalabi.

TARRANT - But you think its Hakim, you have never heard of
Chalabi

BLAIR - It has to be Chalabi.

TARRANT - It's also the only chance you will have to lose 468,000,000 pounds. You are going for the one you have never heard of.

BLAIR - I do not mind taking the odd risk now and again. My strategy has been direct so far - take it by the bit and go for it. I've been very positive, I think. I do not think its Barzani, I do not think its Al-Khoei or Hakim. I am sure it's Chalabi.

[COUGH].

BLAIR - Surely, surely.

TEASES THE AUDIENCE

I'm going to play. No, I'm not. Yes, I am.

TARRANT - You lose 468,000,000 pounds if you are wrong.

BLAIR - No, it's Chalabi. God, is it Chalabi? Yes, it's Chalabi. Yes, yes, it's Chalabi.

[COUGH].

BLAIR - I am going to play Chalabi.

TARRANT - Final answer?

[PAUSE]

TARRANT - He initially went for Hakim, he then went through the various options again.

[PAUSE]

TARRANT - He then went for Chalabi because he had never heard of it and he had heard of the other three.

[PAUSE]

You've just won one billion pounds!

AFTER THE AUDIENCE CHEERS DIE DOWN, BLAIR'S WIFE JOINS HIM ON THE SET

TARRANT- I have no idea how you got there, you went to hell and back out there. You are an amazing human being.

CHERIE - How the hell did you do it?

EPILOGUE

Lawyer Tony Blair's sensational one billion pound win on Who Wants To Be A Warmongerer has been called into question following complaints of collusion.

Jacques Chirac, an auditor, has claimed that systematic coughing from another member of the 15 man fastest finger panel provided Blair with clues to the correct answers.

Chirac claims Oil Company Executive George W Bush was coughing really rather ostentatiously, throughout the programme and by the time the 1 billion pound prize question was given he was fairly certain Blair and Mr Bush were 'in cahoots', he said. The question was: Who will be Iraqi leader following the overthrow of the Saddam regime?

He said: "I was listening out for Chalabi and thinking as soon as the Blair says Chalabi what was Mr Bush going to do. So I was waiting. I was absolutely certain there was going to be a signal by coughing. [Mr Blair] seemed to dismiss Chalabi initially and he went all round the houses as he had done through the show, and as soon as he got to Chalabi, George Bush went 'cough, cough'."

Blair and Bush deny the charge of trying to dishonestly procure the capital for the execution of an illegal war, as does Blair's wife Cherie. An investigation has begun and the accused face serious indictments, which could do serious damage to their future careers. Mr Chirac, on the programme hoping to finance a private venture in the Ivory Coast, is thought to have business interests in Iraq. He declined to comment when ask if he was attempting to avert war in Iraq in order to line his own pockets.

Top 5 Baby-Faced Tyrants

As we saw in the first installment, moustaches appeared to be a clear indicator of totalitarian behaviour. But to in order to provide a balanced view, let's consider the carnage unleashed by Tyrants with access to top of the range gillette products.

Clean-Cut Karma Ratings -

Baby's Bottom - _*_
[five stars won't display for some reason]

Lady Face - ****
Blow Torch Razor - ***
Teenager With Bic Razor - **
5 O'clock Shadow - *

1. Pol Pot -

1928- 1998

Pot's Khymer Rouge killed around a third of Cambodia's population
after declaring Year Zero, blowing up banks, killing religious leaders
and attempting to turn the entire country into a giant farm . This makes
the black pyjama wearing despot one of the highest 'per captia' killers
of all time.

Dictatorship - 3 years
Genocide rating - 3 million
Evil Rating - 10
Clean Cut Karma - ****

Interesting Fact - Not long after the Vietmanese got rid of the
Americans, they invaded Cambodia in order to end Pol Pot's rule.

2. Idi Amin -

The Big Daddy and self styled Conqueror of the British Empire ran Uganda
for most of the 1970's until he made the mistake of starting a war with
neighbouring Tanzania, who kicked his butt and he fled from power. Amin
was once British Army Heavyweight Boxing and also proclaimed himself
King Of Scotland

Dictatorship - 8 years
Genocide rating - 300,000
countries occupied - 0
evil rating - 9
Clean Cut Karma - _*_

Interesting Fact - Amin reputedly had sex with up to 10 women everyday.
As a punishment to one of his wives, he had her arms and legs cut off,
swapped then sewn back on.

3. Mao Tse Tung -

Father of Communist China and leader for around 30 years. The Great Leap
Forward and Cultural Revolution were only two of Mao's big ideas. He
liked everyone to dress the same, which had the makers of padded anoraks
rubbing their hands with glee.

Dictatorship - 30 years
Genocide rating - 20 million
Evil rating - 10
Clean Cut Karma - ***

Interesting Fact- Mao was a librarian, so please be careful the next
time you are complaining at the Library. The person behind the counter
may well be taking notes in a little red book for future reference.

4. Nicolae Ceaucescu

1918-1989

AKA 'Genius of the Carpathians'.

The silver haired Romanian strongman with a Dracula obssession ruled
for two decades. Living in his enormous palace he failed to see the
writing on the wall and along with his missus paid the ultimate price
when the people rose up and shot the pair of them..

Dictatorship - 22 years
Genocide rating - no reliable figures, probably in the 10,000's
Evil rating - 8
Clean Cut Karma - **

Interesting Fact - Ceaucescu was given a black labrador puppy by David
Steel, the then Liberal Leader. He loved the dog so much it travelled in
it's own motorcade, was given the rank of colonel in the army and made
everyone call it 'Comrade' Corbu.

5. Radovan Karadzic

1945-200?

One of the ringleaders in the very messy string of civil wars following
the breakdown of Yugoslavia. Gave the world the new term 'Ethnic
cleansing. Along with sidekick Ratko Mladic , Karadzic is wanted for
crimes against humanity and genocide.

Dictatorship - 7 years
Genocide rating - 200,000
Evil rating - 7
Clean Cut Karma - *

Interesting fact - The Father Ted-esque tryrant is irinically thought to
be hiding out disguised as an orthodox priest. Isn't it strange that
both the television comedy and Karadzic disappeared at the same time.

The currently missing world public enemy number one Osama Bin Laden

has not been considered, as the master terrorist has never been head of state of any country and therefore is technically not a despot.

The exception to the rule with regard to facial hair is Clement Attlee -

The leader of the post World War Two British Labour Government headed an administration which came up with the welfare state and just about every other good idea a government could come up with. However he was voted out after one term. Could it be that the public got wind of the company he was keeping.

Not only is he knocking about with Uncle Joe Stalin, the baddest man on the planet at that time, but Clem also appears rather chummy with Harry. S. Truman, the only world leader thus far to authorise the use of nuclear weapons against an enemy.

Truman will be considered in the third part of our study, which looks at the relationship between the American Presidency and Hair.

Theme Song -

No-one told me it was gonna be this way....

The cast have all been drafted to fight in Operation Iraqi Freedom. Joey is
patrolling the skies above Iraq in his A-10 Tankbuster,

the weird girl is commanding a Patriot missile battery.

Special guest Helen Baxendale has met Marines Ross and Rachel, lost in the desert and is giving them a lift back to their lines in her British Army Land Rover.

Phoebe notices the aircraft and launches a missile.

PHOEBE

Take that you Un-American person you!

[Joey takes evasive action and swoops down on the Land-rover. ]

JOEY

This Bud's for you, enjoy the clean taste of cold
filtered depleted uranium.

He opens fire with his gatling gun and completely destroys the vehicle. The patriot missile flies harmlessly by him and heads directly back to source obliterating the battery.

Joey in his sheer delight and enthusiastic whooping fails to notice the oncoming Apache helicopter piloted by a copulating Chandler and Monica,

both aircraft are completely engulfed in a massive mid air explosion. There are no survivors.

Later in the Celestial Paerk Coffee house. All six are seated round the table.

ROSS

Why did you do that Joey?

RACHEL

Yeah, uh, we're on your side duuhh!

JOEY
[shrugs]

You didn't identify yourselves properly.

MONICA

Is the uniform and flag not enough for you?

JOEY
Phoebe managed to okay.

PHOEBE
[pointing a finger accusingly]

Yeah, see I did it right. So-oh. What did I do again?

CHANDLER

Wait a minute, she fired a Patriot missile at you?

JOEY
Yeah, so I knew she was an American, they never fired on me so I guessed they were the enemy. if you had only shot at me it would be okay. Everbody knows Americans shoot first then ask questions. It's basic training.

CHANDLER

I love you man!

They all hug

Theme Song

...I'll be there for you

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. I think you know me by now so lets cut the B.S and get down to business. Further to my briefing yesterday, I want to clarify several points. As we know d-day denotes the start of our campaign, and A, S, G- days refer to the activities of Air, Special Forces and ground units respectively, in addition to this I will refer to V-day as being the end point of our campaign, therefore Victory day, however up until that point we will refer to it as U-day, uncertain. Furthermore given the mobility and flexibility of our forces, M, W, J-days will reflect the status of said units at any given instance, thus we have marching, walking, jumping days with an optional R-day should things go off plan and we are called upon to retreat. This is unlikely however and is covered by E-day, in which we will run with any old excuse we can think of.

On a more operational level, I’d like to say a little bit about several interactive days involving joint operations by coalition forces, so T, Q, P; B-days are closely linked. The British will come over, make tea, and then we will all queue to pee, and B-day see the commencement of the latrine cleansing detail. Similarly H-day will see very one in the combat theatre wearing a nice hat.

The unpredictability of warfare has made it necessary to set aside a number of specific days just in case we need them. These are N-day, which denotes the period when it is not daytime but infact night-time, with x and y-days remaining in reserve, as reserve strength is important in warfare. As is, not squandering resources, as you may notice this leaves us with seven letters of the alphabet remaining, therefore for the duration of hostilities the days of the week will be known as follows

Monday -C-day
Tuesday-F-day
Wednesday-I-day
Thursday -K-day
Friday- L-day
Saturday- O-day
Sunday - Z-day

We had considered keeping a Saturday, because everybody likes Saturdays, but you know war is hell and you have to sometimes make sacrifices. Do we have any questions...?

Tommy Franks Additional Briefing

Ladies and gentlemen, I just want to bring everybody up to date with what's going on with Operation Iraqi Freedom. The latrines were cleaned this morning prior to further air strikes, which have been ongoing as you know since the launch of the offensive. Personnel are being urged to remember to wear the correct headgear, especially during air strikes. We hope to reach our objectives by Wednesday, however heavy enemy activity means we may have to re-group somewhere to our rear. In short, if we use the criteria established in my last briefing, we are currently experiencing a BAD HAIR-day. Any questions...?